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I bet NO ONE in the world reads this anymore.

Thinking can really suck sometimes. Especially thoughts about the past. I was browsing Kitty's blog the other day and saw the link for Joel.....whom I haven't heard from in what's coming up as a year. I don't know what urged me to, but I read some of the old posts....and reading his calling me "lass" nearly brought me to tears. Come to think of it, I also had a dream about him last night. Might of been due to Christmas time loneliness. Who knows.

I remember when I use to be this kick ass spiritual warrior, full of dreams, stengths, beliefs, and convictions. Now I'm sorry to say, truly I am sorry, but I could give a damn less about "Christianity" anymore. I've just stopped caring. I don't WANT to care anymore. I don't WANT to be godly and righteous. I don't WANT to have to worry about breaking rules. I don't WANT to think about if I'm doing a good job for God, which heaven and hell knows I'm sure not.

Someone asked me if I was feeling suicidal again. Truth is I don't care enough to be suicidal if that makes sense. I'm to numb and un-caring for things to even bother me and get me depressed anymore.

I'm putting myself through college, my finances are better, yet I'm just so unhappy and sick of life. No, I don't WANT to go read my bible and cry out to God. I don't WANT to pray and meditate and search. I'm sick of God. I'm sick of there being so many translations of the bible. I'm sick of hypocritical and judgemental Christians. I'm sick of every freakin denomination claiming they have it right on and all the others are a bit off. NONE OF YOU KNOW!

I don't know what I want. But I also know what I DON'T want.

posted by Kairsie 11:31 PM