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I bet NO ONE in the world reads this anymore.

Thinking can really suck sometimes. Especially thoughts about the past. I was browsing Kitty's blog the other day and saw the link for Joel.....whom I haven't heard from in what's coming up as a year. I don't know what urged me to, but I read some of the old posts....and reading his calling me "lass" nearly brought me to tears. Come to think of it, I also had a dream about him last night. Might of been due to Christmas time loneliness. Who knows.

I remember when I use to be this kick ass spiritual warrior, full of dreams, stengths, beliefs, and convictions. Now I'm sorry to say, truly I am sorry, but I could give a damn less about "Christianity" anymore. I've just stopped caring. I don't WANT to care anymore. I don't WANT to be godly and righteous. I don't WANT to have to worry about breaking rules. I don't WANT to think about if I'm doing a good job for God, which heaven and hell knows I'm sure not.

Someone asked me if I was feeling suicidal again. Truth is I don't care enough to be suicidal if that makes sense. I'm to numb and un-caring for things to even bother me and get me depressed anymore.

I'm putting myself through college, my finances are better, yet I'm just so unhappy and sick of life. No, I don't WANT to go read my bible and cry out to God. I don't WANT to pray and meditate and search. I'm sick of God. I'm sick of there being so many translations of the bible. I'm sick of hypocritical and judgemental Christians. I'm sick of every freakin denomination claiming they have it right on and all the others are a bit off. NONE OF YOU KNOW!

I don't know what I want. But I also know what I DON'T want.

posted by Kairsie 11:31 PM

Monday, July 23, 2007

 

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Friends for a season:

I don't know weather this is an excert from the bible, or just a common proverb, but I was really thinking about it today. About how many people have entered and left my life in the past few years. And it's really odd when you really think about it:

That friend from your childhood who swore you would be best friends forever, and that you would be her bridesmaid if she ever gets married, moves out of her house to live with her boyfriend, starts getting into the party scene, and you're lucky if you hear from her but once a year.

The ex-boyfriend you spent so many nights crying over, wishing more than anything you could get back together, and swearing you shall love him forever. Nearly a year goes by without contact, and you find that not only are you ok with not ever getting back together, but that your life can function just fine without him even in it.

That mysterious friend who talked to you by night for hours on the phone, listening to your every cry, rant, laugh, and stories, once again swearing they would always be a friend to you; suddenly hates your mere excistance, moves out of the country, and is likely never to be heard from again.

That boy who was basically a brother, who helped you so much in troubled times and early questions of christianity. Who helped you grow and shared to many experiances. He grows up, finds himself a skateboard and a few girls, does he even think of you anymore?

And yet life goes on. The pain and laughter become simple memories of the past, nearly forgotten. New boys come and capture your heart only to drop it mere weeks later. A new friend rocks your world for a few months, then finds themself closer to a different circle. Some old friendships get rekindled, and a few spring you never thought likely.

I guess this kinda parallels a thought similar to "tomorrow isn't guarenteed" only people aren't gaurenteed. They move away, move on, grow up, grow apart.

I don't know if I have any real point to any of this. I'm bored. Perhaps I'll call jeff and candi and go crash their house for a few hours.

posted by Kairsie 2:34 PM

Monday, July 09, 2007

 

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I really need to post more. But my computer just hates me so much.

Poor Kitty and her sad good-bye. She didn't even do anything. Dumb Joel. Don't you know burning bridges is never a good things? Usually ends in regret.

So Cornerstone rocked my socks off, or as Dj Glow would say "Dood. It rawked my face off!!!" Suprizingly enough the best conerts I saw that week were NOT family force 5, anberlin, or Relient K who I went to see, but were Toby Mac, Disciple, and Project 86. I might have to go buy their cd's once I get money.

Scremo freakin overtook the world at C-stone. There were like 20 generator stages, and 17 of them played scremo. It was sickning. PRAISE GOD for the Tasty Fresh generator stage and the Dance Barn which quickly became my sancturaries. The last night of the dance barn, the Tasty Fresh leaders let me dance up on the speakers which was freakin awesome! (party like a rock star!) Dj Glow's (aka Greg) one friend Tony was flippin hysterical to watch dance. That kid was really energetic and entertaining at times. He was pretty cool.(can I just say yay for auto-save?) And of course Glow is just flat out awesome. I love the fact that he spins vocal trance. And always comes equipped with glow sticks (duh) :) ....and bubbles make everything even better.

Dave and I flew the Air Glory thing. It's basically this giant suspension thing that drops you. I dunno how to describe it.

And also: Ninja's PWN pirates! (but the jedi's are cool) Just remember, the origional C-stone ninjas started last year with my group. SO HA!

Perhaps I should apologize to Deeflash and his wife for getting them in the middle of the CW water fight...........NAH! It was fun!

This year was the first time I actually got touched at Cornerstone. They had this labrynth maze/prayer walk/stations of the cross thing; one of the areas I was stationed to work at cause I volunteered this year. So the guy told me to do it. I got convicted of alot of things. One thing I ALWAYS complained about is the stupid pop stars who waste money on 4 houses, 7 cars, and 32,000 dollar shoes. Who the hell needs 32,000 dollar shoes? Why can't they use their money for something useful like donate to Africa or something? Then God was like " wedl why the hell do you waste money on stupid things like fake nails?" (Yes, God swears at me) So since then I've taken off my fake nails and sponsored a child from India.

And as per usual, car ride home had not enough room, to many "your mom" jokes, to much music, and to many hours.

This post was brought to you in part by me being awake at one in the morning.

posted by Kairsie 10:22 PM

Friday, June 08, 2007

 

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Holy Freakin Fluff it's an update!

Well first off, GRRRRRRRRR that the cabin plans have been torn apart because my boss cannot keep dates straight. So now I have a useless 2 days off.

I feel so lost and confused on life. Should I bother continuing school? What carrer do I really even want? It feels so much better to just go with the flow of life, cause if you're not trying so hard to go somewhere, you can't fail as much. Life doesn't dissapoint and upset you when you don't have so many expectations.

And (please excuse the pun) God only knows where the heck I am spiritually. I believe in God, no doubt. But I just feel so......I don't even know the word. I've broken so many rules, Heck I've even broken my OWN rules. I want to be a good follower, but I am so sick of church and church people. Not all of them mind you, but so many become judgemental and brainwashed. As though they all become cloned into the "perfect christian image".

And it feels like so many of my "christian" friends are falling apart. I've always been a liberal christian, but now it's to the point that people don't accept me anymore. Sometimes I don't even accept myself.

And some sins are so hard to break man!!!! What happened to my strong will-power and warrior spirit? What happened to my solidly drawn lines? My head aches so bad at night. I fight within myself beyond word.

I dunno. I need some half-baked ice cream and good soft music.

posted by Kairsie 10:01 PM

Friday, March 16, 2007

 

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Ok, I'm gonna do it to. And though I don't have an IPOD, I do have ARES and was able to shuffel the play list.

Soundtrack to my life...


So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits: (uncheated version)
Lost in a Portrait
Trapt

(cheated version) Actually, I'm pretty happy with the un-cheated one

Waking Up: (uncheated version)
Lo Que Paso Paso
Daddy Yankee

(cheated version)11:11PM. - The All-American Rejects



First Day At School: (uncheated)
Bring Em Out
Hawk Nelson

(cheated): Better off Dead- New Found Glory



Falling In Love:(uncheated)
Everyone Falls In Love Sometimes
Tantro

^hahahaha! That one's to good!



Fight Song:(uncheated)
One Minute Man
Missy Elliotte

(cheated) Forefit the Game
Linkin Park


Breaking Up:
Bye Bye Bye
*Nsync

^again, too good

Prom:(uncheated)
College Kids
Relient K

(cheated) - Ballroom Blitz -Sweet


Life: (uncheated)
Maintain Conciousness
Relient K

(cheated) Crazy Train-Ozzy Osbourn

Mental Breakdown:(uncheated)
Turn me On
Kevin Little

(cheated) Crash and Burn- Savage Garden


Driving: (uncheated)
Amon Hen -Enya

(cheated) Hips don't Lie- Shakira


Flashback: (uncheated)
Numb- Family Force 5

(cheated) Day Late Friend- Anberlin


Getting back together:(uncheated)
Southtown- POD

(cheated)- Glycerine- Bush


Wedding:(uncheated)
Chica Cherry Cola- Savage Garden

(cheated) Nightengale- Saves the Day


Birth of Child:(uncheated)
Sweet Home Alabama


Final Battle:(uncheated)
Melt With You- Saves The Day


Death Scene:(uncheated)
Here's To You- Rascal Flatts


Funeral Song:(uncheated)
Awesome God -WoW Worship

(cheated) At Your Funeral- Saves The Day


End Credits:(uncheated)
Time After Time- Cyndi Lauper

posted by Kairsie 8:21 PM

Sunday, March 11, 2007

 

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I'm feeling wicked emo right now. It might be cause I'm sick and fussy....but at any rate...

So I was thinking about how I've kinda stopped caring about my life. Not in the way of I don't care about living, but more so I don't care about what's going on in my life/worrying about my life right now. In doing so, it's caused me to be a bit more satisfyed and happy. I don't stress over things as much, and when you stop stressing you don't get disappointed as easily either.

Now my question is, is this a good thing or a bad thing?

Most people would think of course this is a good thing if it makes you feel happier and less stressed out. But I started pondering.....

.....when we become lax in a spiritual sense, things seem easier because the enemy isn't trying as hard to trip you up because you're not exactly growing at the moment, and therefore not a threat. So, is it the same in our physical lives? Is it because I've currently pushed aside goals and expectations of myself that life appears easier because satan isn't trying to discourage me from anything because I'm not really doing anything related to Kingdom building?

I dunno.....I'm tired and cranky and going to sleep now.

In Conclusion: Screw you jack rabbit.

posted by Kairsie 10:42 PM

Friday, March 09, 2007

 

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Dude....an update.

*So mother nature is on crack. It snows one day, very warm the next morning/day,then back to freezing at night. No wonder I have like 7 things wrong with me right now.

*Joel is alive and doing well. The surgery went smoothly, and he's slowly working back his immune system from all the chemo-therapy.

*RACC *finally* straighted out the fact that I didn't take any courses during the winter semester, and gave me a full refund. YAY YAY YAY!

*I might be getting a job at Sovergin Bank. I'm just so sick of working such a retarded work week.....3rd shift one day, 4-12 the next, 9-5. And you wonder why I'm always freakin sleeping? My body is being tortured. Plus I just can't stand the high-school drama at work. I need a steady EARLY job so I can get my classes going again. Plus, more money is always a good thing :)

*I miss my Andy baby! And Joshua, who I won't see over spring break cause the dork is going to Italy. .....which reminds me.....

*....I LOST MY RING FROM SCOTLAND!!! ::cries:: I'm so sorry Mel!

In conclusion: a thought for you to ponder on....How often should a Christian do the work of keeping another accountable, VS just letting God do the convicting?

posted by Kairsie 8:15 AM